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NEAL BOULTON'S BastardLife Magazine, about which the New York Times wrote, "...Boulton continues to transform his site from an outpost of thinking man's erotica to a service oriented online magazine about sex & relationships..."

How to Stop Fucking Women

Neal Boulton

It's a lost art: that of picking up a girl and not fucking her. BastardLife reader Dylan T., from New York City explains.

Julia, Stephany, and August were mulling around the bar shortly before last call. I knew none of these woman, but I knew I was taking home at least one of them. Knew, aka, hoped to. 

Like any woman at a bar giving off that I'm available vibe, she probably didn't have great expectations of the sex we'd have. But like me, she too would satisfy that urge that is hard to deny after enough time. For me, unusually, it had been a month since I had sex last.

Being in my early forties, but knowing I looked far younger, I laughed at how obviously the bar's lights were set on 'makeout low,' which seemed a bit high school for me. I also laughed because bar's music was clearly set to that high pitched level that made girls oblivious to their drunkenness until one of their girlfriends was holding back their hair in the girl's bathroom. 

I ignored all of it—I had my eyes on the three girls who kept flirting with me for another drink. I obliged every time, not to get them drunk, but to get me laid. August was my most frequent customer. I kept my eye on the clock, and the evolution of her buzz, which was going in my favor. That's when I just said it, "Come on, let me take you someplace else," while I sort of expression that we could do better than this loud, drunk bar.

Most women would have declined my outreached hand; the odds are always stacked against us, which is why we're thankful for that once a month girl who says, "Ok, yeah, let's leave." But when August also accepted the invitation to my apartment about a block and a half away, I knew the hunt was over.

In the elevator, I lived on the seventh floor, I was still holding her hand—and I pulled her closer so that I could kiss her. Another, "Yes." Given this, I kept on kissing her from the elevator to my hallway where I fumbled with my keys, making us both laugh as we tried to maintain our seven story lip lock. 

Inside my apartment I pushed her up against the wall to kiss her more; she pushed back, kissing me harder. We wasted no time falling into my bed and undressing. 

Ok, freeze the frame here: we're naked, on my bed—you know what's about to happen.

But do you? 

Gentlemen, we spend too much time trying to hook up. In my experience, that is wasted time, because if we follow a few old-school tips, tips that come from a couple of generations past, we could have more of what we want in bed and less time standing around in loud, drunk bars taking home sloppy chicks. The tips below were passed along to me from a guy almost twice my age. I use these tips and as a result I have the same girls(s) who want to see me in five different cities (I travel a lot for work). Each month I hit each of these five cities, and each month I have one or more girls who live there come to my hotel to see me. On average, that's 6 repeat girls a month—girls that like what I do, and how I do it—enough to keep coming around.

Here's what I learned:  

1. Use Your Mouth
Don't stop kissing her passionately. That means before, during, and especially for a good ten minutes after sex.

3. Use Your Hands
Caress (yes caress) her before, during, and after sex. Use the back of your fingers. Caress the curves of her breasts, the curves of her hips, her lips and cheeks and eyebrows, her inner thighs, and around her bellybutton. I'm not saying don't grip her like a man; do that, just make sure you touch her with tenderness, too.

4. Use Your Skills
Go down on her and apply pressure and movement slowly with you tongue, increasing intensity slowly as well. Bring her to orgasm this way, then and only then, begin intercourse.

5. Use Your Cock
During intercourse, focus on what speeds and positions she likes. Pay close attention—if she likes it fast and hard, deliver; if she likes it slow, deliver. I once had a girl who only wanted me to push in deep, then deeper, then as deep in as I could. Then she'd ask me to hold it there, as deep in as I could. She'd ask me to hold it there until she came, which was fast if I did what she wanted. As she was about to finish cumming, I'd pull out and go back in again at my own speed until I'd cum, too. 

6. Use Your Control
Make sure she cums before you do; this kind of sex is about her, not you if you want her to come back for more.

7. Use Her iTunes
But what's the absolutely best way to insure she's a return customer? Do all of the above—to music. Use her iTunes play list, or yours. It's an oldschool trick, but it works—whether it's from a record, an 8-track, a cassette, CD or iTune. Music (that she likes), will transform love making into something far more memorable than just fucking without it?

No matter what I call it: art, skill, or god given talent, there are certain things a woman wants in order for her to return to my bed. The difference between me being a guy or me being a man has been my mastery of those things she wants. As for August, she was amazing, but so was I—each time she and I were together for the months that followed.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 7:55PM on September 20, 2014

Fucking Foods

Yes, you can eat your way to a better orgasm. But not just that way; rather, with foods that intensify lubrication for women, and circulation for harder erections for men. 

This vitamin E-packed treat enables your body churn out hormones like testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone, which circulate in your bloodstream and strengthen sexual responses like clitoral swelling and vaginal lubrication.

Hot Chilies
Capsaicin, a chemical found in hot peppers, intensifies circulation to get your blood pumping and stimulate your nerve endings so you'll feel more—and thus, more turned on.

Sure this phallus-shaped fruit makes you think about him, but another reason to savor them is because bananas deliver potassium, a nutrient key to muscle strength. So when you orgasm, the contractions will be super intense.

A sex cliché? Yep, but for good reasons: Oysters can absolutely get you in the mood. How? These sensual shellfish are brimming with zinc, a mineral that cranks up the production of testosterone, which has been linked to a higher sex drive.

Cocoa contains a chemical called phenylethylamine, which is a stimulant that instills the warm kinds of feelings that create sexual desire.

Red Wine
Unlike beer or hard liquor, which can reduce sexual performance, red wine contains resveratrol, an antioxidant that helps boost blood flow and improves circulation before and during intercourse.

The pomegranate's sexual power comes from its antioxidants, which protect the lining of blood vessels, allowing more blood to course through them. How do you benefit? Increased genital sensitivity.

Whether with cream cheese in the morning or as a steak for dinner, this healthy fish is packed with omega-3 fatty acids, which keep sex-hormone production at its peak.

Dont' feel guilty about those late night ice cream sessions. When what your devouring is flavored with this sweet bean it can mildly stimulate your nerves, intensifying sexual sensations.

What makes these foods even better? Letting your naked partner feed them to you.—R.T.

By Thane Boulton at 5:51PM on March 23, 2014

Play Lists

Love The One Your With. You might have once had a favorite sex record, or mixed tape, but then came the iPod, which got us to wondering: What's your favorite play list? A poll of 5,197 BastardLife readers revealed some old favorites—and new naughty ideas.


Gail from New York told us, "Sex feels sort of empty to me without slow, hot foreplay, making out, and lots of romantic talk. I don't think music makes it better, but it does set the mood for me. I also love how months later, whatever song might have been on, always brings back memories of that hot night."

Somebody That I Used To Know, Gotye

Take It All, Adele

Free Fallin', John Mayer


Nasty Pounding

"She's not my girlfriend," William from Dallas said, "but I've been her favorite friend with benefits for four years now. And when she booty calls me I know—she only wants a nasty pounding, and nothing makes that better than some music with rough edges."

Amaryllis, Shinedown

Gold on the Ceiling, The Black Keys

Live to Rise, Soundgarten


Brian from Phoenix told us, "Sex is fun—which I guess is why my boyfriend and I love to fuck to the beat of pop music. The bonus is it makes for a great workout."

I heart You, Toni Braxton

Lose My Mind, Sebastian Ingrosso + Alesso Featuring Ryan Tedder

Girl Gone Wild, Madonna

Trick's Choose

"My favorite play list is your favorite play list. No really," David from Miami said, "I don't have one. If we make it to my bed, and it's always my aim that we do, I ask her if she has an iPod and to put on her favorite play list. I've heard some pretty good ones when I let my trick's choose."

I Feel So Close to You, Calvin Harris

Glad You Came, The Wanted

Do You Think I'm Sexy, Rod Stewart

Whatever your genre, or pleasure, turn it up loud tonight to your favorite song—and love the one, or ones, your with.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 12:37AM on December 21, 2013

Orgasm Obstacles

An End to Sex Stress. In a poll of 6,307 male BastardLife readers, 47% of you told us you'd found a couple of pretty successful ways to delay your orgasm. "I used to cum a few minutes after she and I would start," Michael from Austin told us, "but over the years, I've found I can go longer if I try different things, like pulling out a little before I feel like I'm getting close and going down on her, giving her a sweet orgasm orally, while I calm down enough to go another round."

Troy from San Fransisco said, "I used to be a little too obsessed with how I thought women wanted me to perform in bed. I just assumed that women wanted me to pound away for an hour or so, which for me, is impossible. On top of that, the pressure to perform that way stressed me out to the point that during intercourse, I'd be so preoccupied with how long I was fucking that all I did was think about cumming—which would make me want to cum even sooner. That's when I got so fed up I just decided to try something new. I initiated a game to see how many positions we could try—and as soon as I felt like I might be close to cumming, I'd suggest a new position, or with the girls who seemed cool to just follow my lead, I'd simply put them in as many positions as I felt like. The sex was more fun, and because I was stopping and starting before each new position, I lasted much longer."

"The stress of cumming too quickly really got to me during sex and definitely threw me off my game," Paul of Dallas shared. "I even thought I had some kind of a problem at one point until I started a new approach, one that the women I have been sleeping with seem to like because I've been invited back several times. In short—I make sure they cum once or twice well before I do. For some women, usually women who are used to being on top and who only prefer a long session of jackhammering, this has not worked. But for the majority of my bed mates, it has. Oral sex is a huge part my technique, but with a twist. I ask her to suck me, but while she's doing it, I tell her to touch herself. Nothing is hotter than seeing a woman sucking me while she is making herself cum. And after her orgasm, I slowly begin intercourse, ideally while she is still cumming. Most of the time from what I've been told during sex, doing this makes her cum harder and even longer than she usually does. At times I cum relatively soon after this, which because she has just cum, hard, and in a really hot way, doesn't bother her at all because I tell her we can do it all over again as soon as I am able in twenty minutes or so."

A small percentage of you echoed what Brett from New York told us, "Sometimes I cum fast and sometimes I don't, women just need to get over it and realize men cum faster than they do. If you're patient, we can go another round. If you're not, well, it's your loss."—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 12:37AM on September 25, 2013

The Incredible Edible Ass

Relax. BastardLife's Kelly O'Connell follows a tip about the best kept heterosexual sex tip on the planet.—N.B.

Melinda L., of East Hampton wasted no time starting our interview by saying, "My husband moans when I perform fellatio on him and I ease my moistened fingers lightly down to massage his anus."

"We met when we were both in high school. We're both 50 this month," she continued, not looking a day over 40 sitting with me at her sun-drenched kitchen table with a view of the Atlantic Ocean last week.

She added, "Men seem so anally nervous in front of women because they fear we might think they are homosexual," with a kind of tenderness in her voice for men with such a pleasure prohibitive problem.

"I am not going to preface this interview with 'my husband is the most heterosexual man alive' as a way of justifying what I know he likes during our lovemaking." 

"And what is it that he likes?" I asked. 

"He loves it when I rim him. When I do he grips himself and writhes a bit, too. From what I hear, and from what he confessed to me, no sane man would deny their wives their incredible edible ass if their wives wanted to rim them like I do."

As previously arranged, Melinda's husband sat down with Melinda and me about thirty minutes into our interview to talk about rimming a bit more. I expected a husband dutifully obeying his wife's order that he talk to us about it, but quite the contrary. He wasn't shy at all. In fact, Julien entered the kitchen with the confidence of a presidential candidate, saying, "Great to meet you, Kelly," and, "Thanks for having us in your magazine."

I got right down to my question: "What is it about rimming that makes for great lovemaking?"

"Well, most men will probably find this quite of a shock to read," Julien said, unbuttoning his navy blazer, "but next to intercourse with Melinda, this kind of stimulation is shockingly amazing, especially during oral sex when she touches me there lightly or when her mouth slides down to massage me there with her tongue. I must admit I am absolutely discomforted by penetration, but her hot breath, tongue, or warm fingers during foreplay there must be one of the best kept heterosexual sex secrets on the planet."—K.O.

By Thane Boulton at 5:49PM on June 20, 2013

The devil wears DNA

Sorry I ruined your life. "Guess it just comes with the territory," Bryant said while a giant Manhattan citiscape filled his expansive panoramic office window behind him. He's referring to the rolodex of women his wife recently found out about—and how she's leaving him because one of them is pregnant with his child. "You get all of this," he says gesturing to the Mies van der Rohe leather and chrome furniture surrounding us, and the view, "and you top it off with extra marital sex with women—who want men who have all of this."

Of course Bryant is not alone; hell, a man with a mistress is nothing new. In fact, 72% of married men claim to have had at least one mistress during the course of their marriage. But it's a pervasiveness that's odd when you consider the one thing all of these men have in common is the fact that eventually they will get caught, 81% of them will anyway.

Over enough time, a species adapts to the changes in it's environment so that it can survive—webbed feet to swim, legs to walk, thumbs to grip food—so how is it man has yet to adapt such that his oldest pastime can survive without his wife finding out? BastardLife interviewed seven women who claimed they'd served as extramarital bedfellows to several men and they shared some chilling reasons why men, and Bryant in particular, may never have a fighting chance.

God made hotels for a reason. "Bryant needs to know that by coming to my place he's more likely to leave his DNA behind in either a discarded condom, hair on the pillow, or his lip print on the glass of wine we share. And I keep that stuff—it may be worth something down the road."—Melinda, Washington, D.C.

Learn to love latex. "It's likely I am not on the pill or practicing any other form of birth control even if I say I am, so if Bryant doesn't pull out I'll probably keep his baby if it comes to that. (Our emails and phone records are proof enough for me to get a court ordered paternity test)."—Sophia, Boston, MA.

Don't email her—ever. "I say I've deleted all of your emails—but I probably haven't. When I click 'reply' on an old note of yours in which you've gushed about how amazing my pussy is leave it to fate that that's the one Bryant's wife discovers while he's out jogging in Central Park."—Lauren, New York, NY.

Get a second secret Blackberry with a new number. "You've made the rules clear, 'Radio Silence' means don't text you on your Blackberry—even if I'm dying," but drunk I do anyway while you're on vacation with your wife and kids. It's the one that Bryant's wife finds because it's laying on the dinner table while he's in the shower."—Kendra, Los Angeles, CA.

Play—without getting played. "Sometimes you pull away and it annoys me. Instead of running after you I pull away and withhold sex. It's a great way of manipulating you. I also see other men but I'm vague when you ask me about it. Another good trick because though I'm pretty much exclusively your mistress, it gets you jealous. After a year of this you're professing your love for me just to keep me closer. That's when you get sloppy—and Bryant's wife finds out because of the credit card he said he'd never use but did anyway hastily for a hotel room because I'd withheld sex from him for a month to drive him mad and it worked."—Alexa, Houston, TX.

Don't shit where you eat. "It's always hotter when we're having an affair in the same city where we both live. And if you're hot, and rich, and well known, I can't help but brag about you out at night tipsy to my girlfriends. After enough time doing this, word gets out of course—but it rarely gets back to the wives. Emboldened by this we both get a bit cocky about carrying on right under her nose. Eventually, Bryant's wife either bumps into us out, or he's spotted by one of her friends with me when he's supposed to be out of town on business. If we're together long enough, I'll show up wasted at his home after a fight we've had. Though fun, same city cheating can really get ugly."—Clara, New York, NY.

No really, learn to love latex. "I've had herpes for years but I have never ever passed it along to anyone—so, I don't tell my men about it even though we never use condoms. I'm very good at knowing when I'm about to have a outbreak so I don't think there is any reason for worry. I'm equally as good at knowing when I'm ovulating so I let him cum inside of me most of the time because I've never been wrong and gotten pregnant. I hate being on the pill so I don't take it, though I tell my men I do just so they don't worry madly. I also have HPV but I am asymptomatic so, again, I see no reason to alarm him. In this worst case senario we're painting, I could see Bryant being that one guy who either get's me pregnant or passes along HPV or herpes to his wife unknowingly. But like I've said, that's never happened."—Asha, San Francisco, CA.

The phone on Bryant's desk rings for the third or fourth time since sitting down with him to talk. This time, he lights up and grabs the black receiver with a jolt of electicity, only to dim when he says, "I thought it was Heather," his wife of 21 years who hasn't called, or taken his calls, for nearly 8 months. "It was only the nanny, my youngest daughter has a bloody nose. Guess it just comes with the territory."—C.D.

By Thane Boulton at 11:31AM on February 02, 2013

Lesbian Lessons for Straight Guys

"Guys, it's not a football," Laura F., of Stanford, CT told BastardLife, "and it's not a steak knife. And it's not a piece of heavy machinery—it's her pussy, and she wants your hands on it if you know what you're doing." We sat down with Laura, who has been with Roxanne, her, in our opinion supermodel girlfriend, "For over five years," she tells us grabbing Roxanne's hand at a café in Manhattan to talk their top tips for touching twat.

"The key is slow, deliberate movements with wet fingers. You don't jack off a woman, unless she asks you to (and shows you how), like you jack yourself off. Slowly find her sensitive places," Roxanne says.

"And ask her if it feels good. Where she wants it," Laura adds.

"It's not what you see in porn. You don't have to know. You can ask, and you can slowly, and in a massaging way feel around while you watch her face and listen to her moans to get a sense if she likes it," Roxanne tells us.

"And whatever you do, trim and file down your nails and moisturize your hands," Laura tells us. "It's really quite uncomfortable if your hands are rough and your nails are sharp."

"And don't finger fuck her for God's sake—or just instantly start rubbing or 'tickling' her clit. We can be sensitive at first. It takes a bit of working up to things," Roxanne pleads.

"The key to making a woman moan and beg you not to stop," Laura leans in to say, "is taking your time, and gradually increasing your intensity as she increases hers. Keep your fingers wet, either because you've licked yours, or because of her wetness. It's her orgasm you want—and her writhing or her sounds, or what she tells you she likes will get her there."

"But the real key to your fingers?" Roxanne turns to Laura to add, "your mouth. Once you get her going with your fingers, don't waste anytime—go down on her and enjoy all of her wetness and moans and give her a long, exquisite orgasm."

"You do that," Laura says, grinning as she looks to Roxanne, "and you can be damn sure she'll ask you back over for more."

"Like for maybe five years of more?" Roxanne asks.

"More than that," Laura answers, laughing.—D.S.

By Thane Boulton at 8:00AM on November 16, 2012


Persistent insomnia. Nothing is worse. Or is it? For Paris based reader Katia R. nothing could be more fun.

"If I'm awakened in the wee hours, it's usually impossible for me to fall back asleep," she told BastardLife.

But that's not all she told us. 

"I used to lay there counting sheep," she said, "dreading how I would feel at my office the next day. I'd try everything to get back to sleep. And what made matters worse? My boyfriend sleeping peacefully beside me.

"Talk about jealousy."

"But I got wise one night. And now, I could care less if I awaken in the night. For me, insomnia means sex. But not with my boyfriend—with my ex boyfriends. Yes, I lay there, getting wetter and wetter—deliberately walking through my past intimacies. I start with my first man. And I slowly relive every single sexual encounter I've ever had—one by one. I have to admit there is nothing hotter than reliving all of those orgasms, and cocks, and lips, and sweaty, hot moments. Jean in the backseat of his father's car. Phillip on a couch while his parents were upstairs sleeping. Thom, in my first apartment after university by moonlight."

"Drinking from his cock on my knees."

"My boyfriend pounded me from behind two nights ago. I still feel the places he pushed his fingers into. The taste of myself on his penis. The way we both came at the same time."

"Sleepy now," she explained, "I quietly masturbate, secretly hoping to awaken my boyfriend but I never do. I am tired at the office by the next day, but happily still turned on and eager to get home to my boyfriend for more memories."—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 10:45AM on October 08, 2012

How to Go Longer?

Defying the Refractory Period. Richard knew he had swagger. "I got my game back, but it wasn't easy," he told us at his local pub outside of Chicago, sipping from a frothy pint of Guinness. "She was worth it though.

"When we first spoke to Richard, he was on the other end of the phone. "I've figured out how to prolong my erection, even if I prematurely ejaculate," he called to tell us.

Back then, Richard explained that he'd been plagued with premature ejaculation problems. But not with all of the women he'd slept with, only with Julia—the woman with whom he had become monogamous. "The woman I will marry," he said.

"I used to be able to fuck like a porn star. I could go and go and go and go without cumming. I was proud of it. In fact, I knew I was so good it gave me the swagger to pick up just about any hot woman I wanted. But it all went away when I met Julia. First of all, I fell in love. And to make matters worse, not only did I care about her deeply when I made love to her—her vagina, our intimacy, and what we did in bed together felt so intense from the moment we began to have sex that it was impossible for me to go for too long without cumming. And after? I always lost my erection. And because I came so hard with her, I rarely got my erection back. Until I figured it out. Until I figured out how to outsmart my cock's refractory period and what prolonged it: friction."

Indeed, for most males, the average refractory period, or duration of time after an orgasm before the penis can become erect again, can be anywhere from 20 minutes to one day. But is it possible to defy those odds? According to Richard it was. We were intrigued and decided to put his theory to the test with seven men ranging from 25-45. We asked each of them to report back to us after following Richard's careful advice.

The results were impressive.

Richard explained, "If I am pumping or thrusting hard during intercourse with Julia, it was impossible for me to have more than 20 minutes of continuous sex. The orgasm was always spectacular and exhaustively intense. After, my penis would begin to retract nearly immediately—way before she was even close to climaxing. But on one night, I pulled out just before I was about to cum, but instead of looking to the ceiling and exhaling in frustration at how quickly I was about to climax, I went down on her. Unlike in foreplay, her vagina was thick and dripping wet after intercourse which turned me on so intensely I came without touching myself. Miraculously, I remained hard—and I wasn't sensitive after. I immediately went back inside of her and was able to go for twice the time, making her cream all over my cock in ecstasy. And the great bonus? I came a second time."

It's a fact that the more friction the head of your penis encounters during orgasm, the more sensitive it is after ejaculation. Out of the seven men we asked to test Richard's theory of allowing climax without any movement or friction (some said they pulled out just before cumming as Richard had by simply allowing themselves to ejaculate without touching themselves, while others said they simply stayed inside of her and came but without any movement whatsoever), 6 out of our seven men were able to remain hard and indeed climax a second time.

Not all of the women climaxed, but the six men who achieved this intercourse success were each able to nearly double the amount of time they were able to engage in continuous intercourse.

"I don't want to sound too cocky now that I've overcome this, but I'm so good now at going the distance I feel like I could do it with one hand tied behind my back."—F.T.

By Thane Boulton at 9:30AM on November 28, 2011

Finger Fuckers

One. Two. Three. My accountant girlfriend tells me I'm a master of the pussy. But to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. When I make love to her, I'm not aware of my moves. And I'm not trying to impress. I just lose myself in her. Her scents, tastes, and curves. Her stunning skin. So, I asked her, "Why do you say that?"

We were having coffee the morning I asked this. She seemed sort of dumbfounded when I posed the question. In fact, she set her cup down, leaned in, and grabbed my shoulders to say, "Babe. Your tongue is amazing, and your fingers are gods." That's when she spelled it out in her classic and great right brain detail.

Breath: "I love when you lean down before you take off my panties and push your hot breath onto my clit. It's sort of torture because all I want you to do is pull aside my panties and begin licking me. But–I sort of like that you don't."

Tongue: "I love the way you pull down my pants. I love the way you just sort of pull off my panties when you feel it. Like you own me. And then lick out my pussy. Your tongue is amazing. You don't stick it in there like some amateur, you lick and tickle and suck and rub all of me so hard with it. Cumming on your tongue is one of my greatest pleausures."

Fingers: "I stuggle to hold off from cumming as long as I can mostly because it just feels so good I want to prolong all of the pleasure you're gving me. But when you slide in a finger as you are sucking me, then another while you're licking me—then yet another while I'm cumming on your tongue—it literally makes me ache for more of you."

My girlfirend and I celebrated one year together today. Tonight will just have to be one of those nights I know she will love.—Geraldine H. New York, NY.

By Thane Boulton at 5:58PM on November 16, 2011

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