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NEAL BOULTON'S BastardLife Magazine, about which the New York Times wrote, "...Boulton continues to transform his site from an outpost of thinking man's erotica to a service oriented online magazine about sex & relationships..."


You're married, but you've been flirting with her for years. She's only just put two and two together. Now you're on for a sleep over this Saturday night. Only problem? You've never made love to a woman. Now what?

Q: I don't care what happens to my marriage at this point—I'm a lesbian. (It feels good finally saying that). The woman I work with at the department store has finally put it together that I'm not just being nice, that I want her. But I'm very nervous now because she's invited me over Saturday night. We have this energy together and I know it will lead to the bedroom. But I've never actually done anything about my sexuality. How do I fake my way through my first time with a woman, and this new life?—Patty R., Wilmington, DE

A: You've just come out and not only do you deserve praise, you deserve her. First, communication is the key to success in the bedroom—and pleasure. Be up front with her. Have a sense of humor about it. Celebrate it. Yes! It's your first time. What you'll be amazed by is how naturally you gravitate to what feels right, what you've always wanted in the first place, and what you finally had the courage to give yourself. Second, be honest with your husband. Clearing the cob webs from all of the attic's dark corners will free you even more to explore your sexuality. Explain to him where you stand—at any cost. Doing so will clear the kind of baggage that could ultimately prevent you from walking down your new path with a level head.

Key Tip: Making love for the first time has very little to do with sex and more to do with celebrating who you are. Use this first time as a cornerstone for your new life of honesty.—C.D.

By Thane Boulton at 7:50AM on July 16, 2014

Redefining Unsafe Sex

Neal Boulton

You like meeting guys online and having Facetime sex, but the hotter it gets on your iPhone, the more you want to break the barrier and meet him in person—is that unsafe sex?

Q: He has Facetime and I have Facetime. And after we find each other through a hook up site, we watch each other do things. He asks for this, I ask for that—just as long as we both cum at the same time. I live in West Hollywood and so do most of my online tricks—a place where when some nasty STD is going around it's easy to get it even if you're having safe intercourse sex. Why, despite that, do I want to step out of the Facetime screen and hook up in person, regardless of the so called dangers?—Jason T., LA

A: It's an obvious observation: progress can be good and progress can be bad. Facetime can make digital hookups instant and hot; the more we see of him, and the easier it is to interact with him, the more we want him in our bed—now. But does this updated version of phone sex motivate us to have unsafe sex?

Thomas M., of Atlanta told BastardLife, "Safe sex is a concept that precedes condom use to prevent the spread of AIDS. It was something you practiced when you climbed into the trucks by the piers in New York City in the 1970s to have sex. The term safe sex wasn't used, nor were condoms, but you told your friends to be safe out there from getting robbed, hassled, or beaten up. It was something you told a buddy who was heading to his favorite bar to pick up a trick so he'd actually make it home that night. Fast forward to 2014, a time when so much has changed, but then again nothing really has at all—because now, when a friend of mine who I know hooks up with strangers online, I tell him to be careful, to be safe so that he isn't murdered. I also tell him not just to be safe because of HIV, but because a lot of STDs that won't kill you will make you miserable either for the rest of your life or until you get the meds to clear them up." 

"Safe sex comes in many forms in my life," George W., from Houston said. "I follow all of the basic rules: using condoms and avoiding fluids (I know Truvada is taking the gay world by storm, but there are many hideous side effects that come with it and many more STDs out there other than just HIV). The old creepy sex hookup movie In Search of Mr. Goodbar comes to mind when I think about going home with strangers because it is a given that men lie about themselves with staggering regularity online and off. I don't care how OK it is within the gay community to hook up with people they don't know, I have evolved, I now get just how dangerous going home with a stranger from an iPhone APP, web site, or bar really is. And by dangerous, yes, I mean not safe. As in unsafe."

Key Tip: Only you can define what the safe rules are in your sex life. If you regularly break those rules—don't ignore it.

By Thane Boulton at 7:48PM on June 01, 2014

Way Too Gay To Take It

Neal Boulton

I've been a bartender in a few gay bars back when I lived in LA. There, if you were a female, getting hit on was par for the course, but no one pushed so hard it weirded you out. Now I'm working at a straight bar in New York. My first. I'm stupidly not out yet at my new job, and like any bartender's boss, my new boss hired me most likely because of my long blond hair, nice tits, and hot ass (as well as my experience behind the bar). Their are two reasons I don't come out: one, the guys who drink there would go nuts in their frat boy girl on girl fantasies; two, ever since I started, my bar is packed, which is the goal behind hiring me.

Q: You're not out at your new job, and you think coming out will either get you fired or get you hassled by lesbian-loving men.

A: First, don't say, "stupidly" again, many of us who have been out for decades have kept our sexuality quiet at the job for a whole host of reasons. 

"Ten years. That's how long I'd been out—but not at work," Terrance of Dallas told us. "I'd have been accepted had I came out, but I just didn't want to. Everyone knew, but no one ever said a thing. Still, I felt that if I came out people would start looking at me and thinking about one thing: how I had sex. That, and I am one of those people who feels strongly that sex and work don't mix. I never see or hear straight people openly talking about what they do in bed. Sure, they can talk about their boyfriends and girlfriends, but it was just my choice not to go there."

Julia from San Francisco said, "Living here in what some think of as the gay Mecca, you'd think there would be no problems being out at work. Well, there are—and not just for me, but for many of us. That said, I just did it, I came out at every job I ever had. To some, I was merely regarded as one of those gays from that part of town. I can only imagine what the young men were thinking. I know there are laws all across the U.S. to protect us from on the job discrimination, but all it takes is three warnings tagging me for this or that mistake at work to easily get rid of me. The bottom line for me? There was nothing more awesome than getting on top of all of it. No cowering, no shame, no worries about being gay."

I have definitely been there, " James from Nashville told us. "I was out everywhere but my job. I was so out you'd think the entire world would have known. But my boss didn't. Or at least he didn't act as though he did. Worse, he'd make all sorts of slight gay jokes. Not outright, but enough to get grins on the faces around the table at meetings. Before I could get too sick of it, I decided I was way too gay to take it. A few weeks passed and there we were, sitting and watching him talk—when he did it again. This time he referred to one of my colleagues as light in the loafers. I must have snapped three times in my head because I just belted out, 'Mine, honey, are so light I can hardly take this anymore.' Everyone in the meeting just froze for a long minute. The good news was that, without acknowledging my sexuality, he apologized to me and continued the meeting. He never did that again in my presence and everyone knew: I was gay."—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 6:16PM on April 30, 2014

Two & One

Neal Boulton

In your threesome, all you want to do is keep going with her. But you fear your boyfriend is getting jealous. Now what?

Q: I'm a bisexual man, and so is my boyfriend. We are lucky to have one of the hottest women I have ever seen in our threesome. Problem is, I've been greedy, and not interested in sharing her with him. I have to work hard to employ my manners and yield so that my boyfriend can have more time with me and her when we three are having sex. How can I negotiate this one?—David E., New York City

A: Yes, bisexuality is fun, but to live a bisexual life, and to have threesomes that include someone with whom you are in a long-term relationship guarantees one thing no matter how evolved you are: jealousy. 

The good news? Like with any emotion, or feeling that is part of sexual negotiation, communication is the great elixir—if you abandon all judgement.

First, a few days before the next sexual encounter—not during sex, and not while everyone is getting undressed—sit down and bring up what you are experiencing in a non-threatening way.

Second, find out what he is experiencing. Is he actually jealous? Turned off? Not as into it as you? Maybe he wants to be with her longer, too. Let's face it—intercourse feels good, no matter how polite you are, so of course it's hard to stop.

Finally, work out your threesome rules, and a plan, and stick to it. Agree on either a physical or verbal way to let each other know when it's time to switch positions—and don't break those rules. 

Key Tip: Jealousy is par for the bisexual course, but something that with some agreements up front can be tempered so that you can all have a great time and less stress later.—C.D.

By Thane Boulton at 5:53PM on March 23, 2014

Human rights

You enjoy masturbating in the morning. It's your one quiet private pleasure. But he doesn't get it. Now what?

Q: I find masturbating a soothing and calming activity that centers me for the day. I have a great sex life with my husband, but he doesn't like knowing that I still pleasure myself alone. I think he thinks I turn into some kind of inert mannequin with no human desires—beyond him—after he has sex with me. In fact, he often says, "We just had sex last night, why would you need to do that!?!"—Elizabeth, Greenwich, CT.

A: Chances are your partner is feeling insecure about your level of sexual satisfaction. His ego may be bruised suspecting he is not pleasuring you properly or sufficiently. First, be honest with yourself; masturbating is a great form of tension release and an even better form of pleasure, but if you are not getting what you need, search those feelings and make sure to ask for what you want in bed. Second, make it clear how happy you are with your partner's sexual range and ability to pleasure you well before the next time you are both intimate. Communicate how this is about you deepening your private time away from family, home, and work, and not a compensation for something lacking in your life.

Key Tip: You're not a mannequin, you're human—and it's your right to have your orgasm any way, any how, and any time you want it.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 12:36AM on September 25, 2013

I Was One of Them

You're ok with you boyfriend seeing other people. You've got a few every so often on the side as well. Now what?

Q: My boyfriend and I see other guys from time to time on the side, even though we've been a happy couple for over five years. Does this mean we are having an open relationship or just a normal gay couple?—Dave H., Tampa, FL.

A: Judging by an online poll of 4,312 BastardLife readers one might think that your relationship is the new normal.

63% of you told us that you'd been with your current boyfriend for over a year and that each of you was allowed to see other people.

Julian from Miami said, "Most of the time we are intimate with each other, but there are times that we venture out of our relationship and hook up with others. It's just not that big of a deal with us."

Stephen from Sarasota told us, "Sometimes when we talk about the other men we are with it makes our time in bed even hotter. A great remedy for jealously."

Richard from Pensacola said, "Straight people are always cheating on each other. I accept that there will be times my boyfriend and I stray. Instead of letting it ruin our relationship, we let it make it hotter: if his boyfriend on the side is good enough, my partner will bring him in for a threesome. We call it healthy sharing."

27% of you told us that you wished the men you dated were more accepting of open relationships. Danny from Siesta Key said, "I think it's impossible for men to be monogamous—including those men who forbid their partners from cheating. Yep, they're cheating, too. I should know, I was one of them."

Key Tip: Don't fight human nature, work with it.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 1:14AM on August 31, 2013

Hard Questions

You've been married for twenty years but she hasn't ever gone down on you—and it's killing you. Now what?

Q: I've been married to my wife for two decades. For some reason she simply won't perform phalatio on me. I can't express how much I would like her to, how much I believe I need to have this. Instead, I just masturbate to scenes of oral sex on internet porn, though it is less and less satisfying. Please advise.—Brian, Greenwich, CT.

A: The reality is, some women just won't perform phalatio. First, stop wondering why she won't and find a low stress moment before sex to discuss it. Ask the hard questions: "Is oral sex something you will ever consider?" And, get honest, "Because I really want you to do that to me." Second, hear her out—and be prepared to accept her answer. She may tell you she will never be into it.

Conversely, your wife may just show some interest—either because you've asked for it, or because she genuinely has considered it but not known how to initiate things. Here, we ask that you take it slowly and hear her out. Does she want to because you are asking for it? If so, during sex, it is critical to also take things slowly—and be patient as things happen. There may be some explaining, or teaching required which must always happen gently and without exasperation.

Finally, your wife may very much want to perform oral sex with you. But if this is new territory for her, celebrate her willingness to do it, but be patient because, again, there may be more communication and teaching required. Whatever the case may be, if she won't, might, or will—communication, patience, and rigorous honesty will make any reality acceptable.

Key Tip: Loving someone means understanding and accepting them—no matter how much it inconveniences you in bed.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 11:39AM on July 23, 2013

In Your Wake

Dating is a sport for you, but some people judge you for burning through men like a wildfire. Now What?

Q: "Many of my girlfriends are starting to get married and have babies. I've been told to 'settle down,' or to stop being 'so picky,' and to 'find one man' to settle down with. But I have no interest in that. I enjoy living the single life and I'm having fun. It's obvious some of the women around me think I sleep around too much, but I don't want to get married until I'm done with this fun single stage of my life. How can I explain this without sounding like a slut?"—Julia E., Houston, TX

A: The women some consider slutty turn out to be the kind BastardLife readers consider smart. Here's why. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce—and that's among couples that were possibly sure marriage was the next right step. So why allow yourself to be pushed into marriage if you are as articulate as Julia about why it's not time?

Gina from San Francisco told us, "I married too young. I was in love. It seemed like the right thing. But I hadn't lived yet. As a result, I strayed. I wanted to see what other men were like, what other sexual experiences were like. It was a great thrill, cheating, and experiencing other kinds of sex—but, naturally, it resulted in me breaking my young husband's heart and moving on."

Thomas from Detroit said, "After the honeymoon is over, marriage can become 'work.' And if you're not done exploring your sexuality, having sex with other people is just inevitable."

"I was monogamous the entire time I was married," Taylor told BastardLife, "but I just hadn't been with enough people to know why I was sexually dissatisified in my marriage. Eventually, we divorced and I started dating. I was blown away by how great sex could be. I really found my sexual self in the, sometimes lonely, dating scene. Now I'm happily married, most of the time, but 100% sexually satisifed with my mate because I waited to find out who I was in bed and otherwise."

Key Tip: You're ready when you're ready; until then, leave as many in your wake as you need to.—N.B.

By Thane Boulton at 9:03AM on May 06, 2013

Food Groups

You live for cunnilingus, but your man doesn't. Now what?

Q: "I absolutely cannot live without receiving oral sex. I am with a fabulous guy who is just not as sexually open as I am and has always been with very submissive women. I am much more aggressive and have an anything goes sexual appetite.
In previous relationships, my vagina has been referred to as "one of the four major food groups" they were down there so much, so I know it's not me when my current man just won't go down on me. He just seems anti-oral. How can I encourage him to give it a shot?"—Jennifer T., Austin, TX

A: It's always disappointing when I hear about these kinds of men. It reminds me of the boasting straight character in True Romance who, when asked if he ate his girl out, is shocked and freaked out at the idea of putting his mouth near a vagina. Because it is a Tarantino film—that guy gets blown away right then and there. Of course, we don't recommend the same handling of any sexual incompatibility. Rather, sit him down in a nonsexual moment and address the issue frankly.

First, ask him what he does like.

Second, sell it. Don't hold back from telling him what other men have said they tasted of you. Tangy, sweet? If so, prove it: during sex—touch yourself and let him taste you on your fingers. Taste yourself, too—to show him how much you like the taste.

Finally, help him learn more about oral sex in a non-serious way. Diffuse the situation. Sure he'll laugh, but pull out The Joy of Sex after a few glasses of wine some night when he stays over at your place. It's hilarious fun—and surprisingly educational. He may learn that many men who only like vagina when they are experiencing pleasure through their penis learn that they live for cunnilingus during fellatio. The 69 position is a great gateway for vagina-shy men to discover what so many women, and men, love so much when they go down.

Key Tip: For many men, the vagina is a complex place. Teach him everything about it in whatever language he will understand. Find out sooner rather than later if you are sexually incompatible through honest judgement-free communication.—N.B.

Photograph by Martin Kovalack

By Thane Boulton at 12:14PM on February 03, 2013

Offense, Not Defense

The pressure of speculation around your sexuality and a woman you spend time with is getting to you. You're over it. Now what?

Q: "I live and work in a very conservative suburb and the big rumor is that I am a lesbian and intimate with my closest girlfriend. Thing is, it's not a rumor; we became intimate a year ago and have secretly been lovers. I don't feel the people around me deserve to know anything about my private life—but they seem to think they do with their constant questions. I am not a closet case by any means, but I am also starting to cave under the pressure of the speculations. What the hell should I do about this?"—Megan R., Iowa City

A: Rumors often trigger an odd kind of feeding frenzy where sexuality is the topic. Is she, isn't she; are they, aren't they? The truth is, the facts about your sexuality—gay, bi or straight—are not the property of anyone else but you and your partner. And the best way to come out is to just be out without any big pronouncements. However, in certain communities, or within professional circles (trust me, I know), there is a way to get ahead of the story.

First, deny nothing, but don't give away anything. When you hear about how it is rumored that you have secretly been seeing your friend, rather than deny it, trump it by shooting back how lucky you would be if that were the case.

Second, for the more rude and demanding people who may approach you, and these are the annoying ones, rather than be stunned or put on the spot, laugh them away by shooting back to the straight women, "Why? Are you saying you're interested in me if I'm not seeing her?" and to the straight men, "Why the interest in us two girls, wife not giving it up anymore darlin?"

If things persist and continue to annoy you, disrupt everyone's comfort level by just showing up to the local coffee shop, grocery store, church or PTA meeting dripping in public displays of affection with your new hot babe of a girlfriend. It'll shut them right up.

Key tip: Offense, not defense.

By Thane Boulton at 12:12PM on February 03, 2013

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